In any relationship, the decision about moving in together is huge. When you’re deciding as a previously single person to live with your two partners and their children the implications are….staggering? terrifying? overwhelming?
One of my partners was ready for me to move in after we’d only known each other for three months. In their mind, I was a permanent fixture in their life and they wanted me there with them all the time. I was a puzzle piece that fit, so it made logical sense to them.
I was terrified about being lost and assimilated into a collective. My partners had been living together for a dozen years. They had four years to adjust to having children in their home.
There are logistical, emotional, and financial considerations to evaluate before making this type of move. Moving into a space where other people have already established themselves adds one more layer of complication.
Do you move to a new place together?
While I think it’s lovely when people decide to move into a new place together, it might not make the most financial sense. In this case, one of my partners is the owner of their home and they were less than 10 years away from owning it outright. Their house was a 5-minute drive from my workplace. I did not see financial value in trying to move us all to a different home just because I was new to the system. We also technically had enough space in the house for all of us, though for me I still wish for more space.
By choosing to have me move into an already-established home, I had several questions to answer:
- How do I incorporate my stuff into this space? Do we get rid of duplicate items? Do I toss only my things?
- What needs to happen in the house to make it feel like it’s also my space, like I live here?
- What am I financially responsible for?
I made a list of what would make it feel like I lived there. Your list will vary, but my list of top priorities included: 1) space in a closet that only I control for my clothing, 2) my favorite artwork hung on the walls, 3) an adult-only space somewhere in the house so any of us could retreat when the kid-centered house felt overwhelming, and 4) the option of reorganizing spaces that I found too disorganized or cluttered which kicks my anxiety into high gear.
When I decided to move in, we also coordinated dumpster rentals at each home and started the process of downsizing from both houses. You may not need this. In our case, my partners had 8 years of stuff they’d acquired and I had 10+ years of stuff to decide whether or not to bring with me. I was able to give away a lot of items to family and friends and donate several boxes before filling up a dumpster. So were my partners. We are fortunate to live in the suburbs and found ourselves guilty of lifestyle creep. We’re all working on ridding ourselves of excess stuff so we keep what matters. It’s a process.
Please don’t expect to move in together with zero difficulty or strife. Allow for discussion about what you need and want relative to what you have. If funds are tight, work on a financial plan that helps you acquire what you need. But please don’t buy stuff instead of dealing with whatever feelings you might have about who owns which item or items.
What about money?
Though I was living with a housemate before moving in with my partners, I was used to managing all the household finances solo. As a fiercely independent person, I had concerns about losing control of budgeting and money management. How would I know that the utilities would stay on, and the rent/mortgage was paid? If you grow up with or have lived through instability or uncertainty around any of your basic needs being met, the notion of sharing or handing over responsibility of those elements can be triggering in a classical sense.
There is no right answer to this question. It’s huge and highly personal. In our situation, my top priorities include getting out of debt and saving money for whatever the future holds. To help me manage my anxiety around being financially dependent on someone else for necessities, we agreed that my money would stay in separate accounts. Additionally, I would build up enough cash reserves that if I felt like I needed to move out, I would be able to do so.
My partners had a shared cell phone plan. I was on a solo plan and we found out we could save a lot of money by adding my line, so we did. That meant that I was responsible for my debt payments, my insurance, my vehicle, and anything else I felt like I needed.
As of this post, we have had numerous discussions about what our financial health and security needs to be for each and all of us. We’re working with an attorney on documents including medical, durable, and general power of attorney, a living will, and a trust. Because we are each fortunate enough to have retirement accounts, we are in discussions about who to list as beneficiaries. As we learn more, we will link resources for consideration.
But my feelings!
Everyone brings different feelings about relationships with them. Coming into this, I brought a long history of unhealthy relationships that limited my ability to trust anyone’s intentions. Conversely, my partners had been together for over a decade and married for several of those years and were fortunate enough to feel secure in their relationship with each other.
If you haven’t done reading about relationship attachment styles, I’d suggest this article that defines them as well as discusses how they can manifest in us. Me? I showed up as a combination of everything except secure.
My feelings about independence and security impacted my decisions about money and cohabitation. Do you know how you feel about those things? Do you know how your partner(s) derive a sense of security? What about their relationship attachment styles?
Above I talked about my feelings about finances. At first it was scary for me to believe someone else would support me financially for rent, utilities, and my cell phone. Any time I felt that fear, I checked my savings account and reminded myself that if our relationships fell apart, I would have enough money that no one else could touch, that I could start all over again on my own.
Having a ‘GTFO’ fund for the first few years of our relationships gave me the level of financial security I needed to feel emotionally secure with my partners. I would have felt uncomfortably dependent on their generosity at best. At worst, I would have believed they were using money to trap me in their lives, creating feelings of being stuck. For me, if I feel trapped, the only thing I want to do is run. Having the financial means to leave made me feel like being here and living with them was my choice.
What about the kids?
This is as unique as anything else. The ages of the children, how they’ve already been socialized around other adults, and the types of experiences they have before an additional adult comes into their lives can have a huge impact on how this works.
My partners and I had been spending 5 nights a week together for about 6 months straight before I even thought seriously about moving in with them. During that time I intentionally worked to get to know the children. The three adults also started having (and still have) lots of discussions about attitudes and philosophies of parenting.
In this case, the youngest was almost a year old, and the oldest was 3 when I started seeing their parents. I made a point to be at the house when they were still awake so they could be around me, but I didn’t try to force them to interact with me. Each child has had the opportunity to decide how they view me as an adult in their lives. My position as an adult who has authority to give them directions as well as love is reinforced by the two parents they already have.
When I look for signs that the children trust me and see me as a positive adult in their world, I can identify several things I value. Each child spontaneously tells me that they love me. They ask for hugs from me. They ask me to color and play games with them. Sometimes they seek me out first for comfort if they accidentally trip and fall. Sometimes they feel safe enough to fall asleep on me.
In the best way, our individual relationships are evolving based on the needs of each child. Since they are still young, we find ourselves in a great position to write about that process as it develops.
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to living together. You and yours will find what works for you and what aligns with your family values. But have no doubt: you can define your family. No one else gets to decide what you need.
Positive Poly Parenting 